(Happenings in November 2019).
Natalia and I have a special bond that is not tied to past connection because we never met. There is so much more there that cannot be seen or even explained in words yet. I have unconsciously in my mind developed blood relation of significance and value that I feel like I missed out on. Ever since grade school I wondered who else looked related to me! But blood ties never have mattered to my parents. There is a bond much stronger and deeper than that. I feel like even if this situation were tied to blood-relation, that is only the beginning and by this point it is so much more than that. Nothing will take away the special bond that I’ve had with my parents all these years. And nothing will take away that special bond with my birth family, but it is also a friendship now. Each day that passes by, after every interaction with them, the more I care for them as a person and the harder it will be “to let Natalia go” when it is her time. It will feel like a piece of me is missing, as I’ve felt like a side of me has been unknown my entire life. Both Natalia and I have carried each other close in heart over the years. As I’ve said to her, “it feels like you are an angel by my side”. And like she has told me, “You are far away, Katya. But I can feel when you are near”. I guess I choose to let this be a part of me and my identity. I look at her and I see myself and she looks at me and she sees herself and we both take joy in that. There are so many ways this situation could go, and some we have control over and much of it not, but to surrender the things I cannot control in prayer. Sometimes it seems like she has forgotten who she really is. It seems there is no way to have a real relationship with her because her world is centered around drugs and what a terrible loss. I realized that I have completely unrealistic expectations. The best I can do is to let them go and accepting whatever Natalia can give me of herself. Not only that, but I am taking it in fully and cherishing it like a hidden treasure, because it is all that she can give and this is the best way I can receive. Jesus looks deep into her eyes and sees beautiful Natalia, not a drug addict. I remind Natalia and Nadia that I forgive them, that they no longer have to carry this burden, this guilt and shame. I tell them, "Jesus has nailed it to a cross and He forgives you and loves you more than I ever could" and I am just glad that they are alive and want to communicate with me! But grandma N. says to me, “we will always be guilty Katya, we will never forgive ourselves. There was no excuse and there is no forgiveness”. It would mean the world to me for N, E., D., N., I., and S. to come to know Jesus as their Savior someday and to see it redeem their life. I pray for their salvation. It never hurts to extend grace, seasoned with discernment. This is a way I can extend the grace God has given me onto someone else and I am not choosing to continue in this relationship to get something from them in return. This may not be a give and take relationship and I’m at peace with that. When you look at all of this from a grand perspective, it all appears simple. While it may be simple, it isn’t easy. Just as though details can magnify harsh realities while at the same time enhancing the beauty of it. It is hard to make sense of all this and even at the fact that it may not be able to be made sense of and that it is supposedly okay to not make sense of it. This is something to consider all joy, though it is hard. This is a redemption story unfolding.