(Happenings in February 2020).
Because Natalia fell on ice and broke her arm, I don't get to communicate with her at all for an entire month, or longer. I feel like she has dropped off the face of the earth. This is disheartening to me. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. I got so used to daily talking with her and telling her everything. Every time something happened, I could not wait to tell Natalia and hear from her! I feel like I don’t know life without her now... You don't realize how much you want something until it is taken from you. Since we last communicated, I've been thinking about her fall... she took one step in the wrong direction, it just so happened to be uneven ground... This is a phrase that came to mind one day as I was thinking and it has not left me, but only has lead to further thoughts due to my underlying fear of abandonment/loss. I also think how often I step even just one foot in the wrong direction. By God's grace we are able to redirect and, grow, and thrive on a strength that is not our own and a freedom that came at a cost with which we do not owe. There is freedom in surrender and power when sought from the ultimate source and for the right purposes. I believe Natalia is very passionate, with strong feelings. What makes all the difference is where her passions lie, in the good or in the bad. For years, she has allowed her desires to drive her to the brink of literal death. But when her passions are directed in the Lord's work, her impact and joy is as bold light and unhindered. The Gospel of Christ literally brings an end to ourselves, it draws us to our knees to the point of nothing left within us. Countless times I eventually find myself raising empty hands to Him, because there is absolutely nothing left of me and He receives me with open arms and He faithfully carries me through, time and time again when we fall and walk through the consequences. In uncertainties and struggle, we don't grow if we are left unchanged. The battle wounds become a testimony of the Lord’s grace, power, and faithfulness on our delicate lives.
In thinking back to conversations I've had with Natalia, one time when I shared with her of a situation I encountered, Natalia told me this:
“There needs time for the Lord to heal them. It will take more than one year. To these people I say something to them something like this:
‘Hi guys. My name is Natalia. I was very cool in the drug problem. But the consequences are this (takes off her wig). Very very bad. I want to smile and enjoy life. God is everything to me! Nothing else will help me. I have the most faithful friend who will never betray me or leave me, Christ. If you don’t believe me, I can prove that He was with me before. How can you leave God? I will tell for a long time what the Lord has done in my life. I can talk about this for a long time. What would we actually do without Him?’”.
