(Happenings in November 2019).
Another time, I awoke in the middle of night with a thought weighing heavily on my mind about Natalia, “she is lying... She is taking advantage of you”. As much as I didn’t want to confront or admit these thoughts, I immediately saw Natalia wrote me, "hello". With the nine-hour time difference, I have to be very particular to take the chances I can to communicate with them. As we have been open and honest with each other, I shared with her these thoughts and how we both have to trust each other and take in what is said at face value. There is no way of truly knowing if one of us is telling the truth or not. I mentioned how no one’s memory is perfect, how sometimes there can be half-truths, and we discussed... Then I expressed how I wonder if maybe sometimes it is the drugs “speaking” and not her sometimes in the sense that it can make our desires unclear as she had just expressed she would have no such desire to lie to me and she didn't like that I had these thoughts. In context, some think Natalia is lying. I just cannot believe it is all a lie, what she says to me. There is no formula, it could be a lie one time and full truth another or anything. One thing I really took away from this is, if nothing else, that I make sure I am speaking and writing truthfully as well. There is nothing that any one of us is inherently exempt from.
I told Natalia that this feels like it is either a thought of God or a thought of the enemy and that if it is anything not of God that I speak in the name of Jesus it flea far from me. What I don’t want this to be is just pure entertainment for her that flees as soon as a day comes when emotional excitement doesn’t appear and she no longer takes interest. I don’t believe that is true or even any hint from what she has expressed to me, but again it is another thought that has crossed through my mind. I expressed how everything sounds like there is so much more involved than the drugs, but that she is so much more than all of those things! Then she expressed to me “Katya, I still cannot _____”, (I respond, even still....). she says “But Katya, for years I have done ___, ____, ____, Inject every drug, drink to unconsciousness (and on and on)” (I respond, even still...), “Still Katya, and ever since the war I now even ____”. It was an endless list she has of confessions and more things I cannot share, as if she were convincing me that she is the scum of the earth and as if she has experienced or witnessed every possible bad thing to its end and that somehow it has not ended her.
I said in response,
“.... Each day you awake again and every next breath you get, it is more that God desires that you experience. You get to choose how you see the world around you and how you respond, beyond the circumstances. Natalia, the Lord is the creator of your life and He is the sustainer of your life!... I want you to know that is the first big step, wanting a change and then believing a change can happen! We can take this one small step of faith at a time and no matter what happens, nothing will change how special you are“.
Natalia said this, “I honestly really would like to be with you, to see and feel how you live, what you think, this is my dream. The more we speak the closer I feel to you. I will share my thoughts, it seems to me that something must happen or is already happening, that I will never touch drugs in my life. I cannot promise this, but I sincerely believe that it will be. I am very grateful to you, Katya, that you understand me. and I also want to understand you like that, how you do it! THANKS to you my dear ”.
As I learn to do some of life with my Birth family in Ukraine, I realize how we seem to have experienced many emotions together, shock, joy, sadness, sorrow, awe of God, frustration, rejoicing and morning, and laughter together which is so sweet to the soul. This is being human, how unifying in such a way. There is a time for everything and everything is beautiful in its time (Ecc. 3).
(Happenings from November 2019)
