(Happenings in December 2019).
When certain situations happen in life it forces us to look deep, to really get real, with ourselves, with God, and with others. When we get real, Important things happen... I’ve gotten to speak more with other birth relatives such as my maternal grandmother and half brother, some cousins, and my paternal aunt. One of my bio cousins is in military school at a university there and he is currently on an educational trip to Moscow. My bio grandma's life revolves a lot around work and caring for the family. My half brother and his wife who currently live in Russia will soon come visit the family in Ukraine for the New Year. They haven’t been able to visit in person for six years.
In the midst of the last big incident, Natalia lost her passport and also forgot her immunity pills. She will need to go through a long process to get a new passport. Natalia caught the flu and is just now recovering from that and her eye has healed. I haven’t wanted to ask her about the man she has been with, because I prefer that not to be a thought in her mind to go back to that. We ask each other how our day is and what our plans are for the next day. I’ve not wanted to have really deep conversations with Natalia, but just to enjoy her and when she is in a good state. I did get to share what Christmas means to me with some of my birth family and they enjoyed listening to some of my favorite Christmas songs, in Russian. I got to join Natalia in decorating their Christmas tree (from a computer screen). She also showed me how she does her makeup routine... You really get creative in what you do together when you only see each other over Skype! We’ve sent each other a lot of videos and I shared with them some of mine from my recent trip to Uganda. You can tell their world just grew big! I did feel the need to share with Natalia something on my heart. I shared with her how I’ve never met anyone like her. I thanked her for many things, for giving me life, for communicating with me, for being so open with me, and for trusting me. I told her that I want to be on this journey of life with her.
In all actuality, this whole situation keeps you on your knees. I think the reason some relationships between birth mother and their birth child who has been adopted do not work out is because they do not see the relationship or connection in the same way or that there even is one. Both people have to see the relationship as significant in order for it to manifest itself as significant. Like with any relationship, disconnect happens when there is no common ground or when one side does not see the relationship in the same way as the other see it. Of all that I’m supposedly learning, I go back to thinking how mere wisdom is a chasing after the wind, when there is even more to be gained... I could shut off all communication completely and just act like nothing ever happened. But there is some reason why I move forward in this. Hopefully I come through this situation a better person than I was before. After all, I got myself into this. I don’t want to make light of the situation. When we let go of the feeling of the need to control, we come to realize, it is what it is and it has been this way all these years, whether I knew about it or not. The difference now is that I’m aware of it and they are aware of me. This is now a new normal and I’m going to embrace it for as long as I can have it.