(Happenings from January 2020).
Natalia has asked more about the topic of forgiveness. I reflected more on my forgiveness toward Natalia and my birth father... I remembered how I've spent years working through the unexplainable emotions developed in the pre-verbal memories of trauma during the first four years of my life. I've had to work on forgiving them up to this point with the little information I already had and letting go of what I couldn't control. The Lord provided me a life, in the family I love dearly, that I wouldn't want any other way. I don't think I would've searched for my birth family if I hadn't already forgiven them for the past. Though I knew little information, I accepted that, no matter the details, I chose to forgive them for what happened. Upon discovering about my birth family, I had already come to the point of acceptance and eagerness to know the truth no matter how difficult. Last semester was a wild ride of shock, learning, processing, and coming to further acceptance, but it did not cause me to have any hard feelings toward them. I was thankful that they remembered me and wanted to communicate with me. I desperately wanted to comfort them as I knew it was hard for them as well. I was thankful at how honest and open they had been in sharing with me. I cannot help but wonder, if they did not respond in this way after all these years, would I feel the same? I had to ask the Lord for a forgiving heart and He gave me the grace to do so as He revealed to me that I've received abundant grace undeserved. My parents have also taught me the concept of unconditional love. I still wrestle with worries, doubts, and feelings, but those are different obstacles that I have yet to overcome. When hard times do come and mistakes are made, that is another matter that the Lord will give me the grace to forgive again in His time. I too will make mistakes that I will need to ask for their forgiveness in the matter. Through all of this, the Lord has magnified to me the immense love and forgiveness that He offers to sinners like me, daily. I am constantly asking the Lord to forgive me every time I start to take this into my own hands and not trust Him. The journey is not easy, but it is crucial as it is a continual process of coming to the end of self and rebuilding what has been broken. The Lord sastifies my soul in my incompleteness, for as long as I seek Him with my whole heart and renew my mind by His Holy Word.
I recently discovered that Natalia loves flowers, especially daisies! Natalia told me that she is an emotional person, but she says no one else knows this. She says often she is overwhelmed with emotions and when she is full of joy, she loves to sing and dance to loud music in her apartment when she is alone. I told Natalia that this is lovely! The Lord is so honored and glorified in this. I told her that something powerful happens whenever you pray to the Lord, whenever you read your Bible, and whenever you praise and glorify Him. I explained that the reason for this is, each of these acts are a verbal public invitation to the Lord to fill us with the fullness of His presence and glory. This is a welcoming for the Lord to enter in and speak into your life and at this moment. I said that by doing this you are placing protection over your home and household and no lie can enter in and overcome.